verification patch

   How do you know something is (or isn’t) worth fighting for?  Because for the longest time, my biggest fear was being one of those “on again off again couples”.  I’d hate to run into someone that I haven’t seen in years only for them to ask me how long I’ve been with my girl and my reply would be that we’ve been together again for 6 months now because we broke up a lot here and there for the past 10 years.  Even though for years I always thought she was worth fighting for, but with her my biggest opponent when it came to this was her doubts.  It would always be a constant and tiresome battle whenever things didn’t seem right and she would be so quick to just want to quit the relationship (or any relationship for that matter), so convincing her to stay was always another challenge.  She once stated that being around me at times felt like walking on eggshells, but when things were awry with her on my end it was more like being on thin ice.  The only problem was that whenever I thought the ice got thicker for me to walk on I’d always find weak points, so those weak points didn’t have warning signs and cracked whenever I stepped on it.  My only concern whenever this happened was, if I did step on a shallow point and fall through the ice… would she lend her hand to get me out?  Or let me drown and freeze in her own sorrows, that was something I couldn’t question for years.

   Out of the many disagreements that we’ve ever had, I was terrified to lose her every time.  I say that because she was so quick to detach for anybody so easily, and even though she was my ride or die for 10+ years I didn’t want to be next.  Believe it or not I’ve wanted us to be official for a long time, but seeing how she would take things too far whenever we’d fight made me resist taking things further.  It was hard enough convincing her to stay as my friend, but to have her stay as my lady felt like it could’ve been a one and done situation so couldn’t take that chance losing her like that.  I’m not going to speak for the past several years where we had a disagreement or fight here and there, but I do want to speak on how things have been these past couple years if that’s okay with the reader.  I’m saying this because over the past 2 years I’ve learned to really mature as a person and realized that not to be agitated as easily as I used to be because a lot of problems weren’t mine and they were out of my control.  I try not to be as easily frustrated as I used to be to really take other people's situations into consideration before my own.  And by me doing that I hoped the others around me would too, but it’s hard to float to the surface when others keep you anchored to the bottom.  I’m not saying that she was one of those anchors, but to carry her on my back to the surface is a lot harder than I’d imagine.  Especially if she’s not seeing the same surface that I was, and you can’t convince them to see what you’re seeing.  Realistically speaking what I’m saying is.. sometimes you can’t convince someone else to see why they sparkle in your eyes.  Or how special they are to you, especially if maybe (and hopefully not) you weren’t special to them.  Either way, it’s a one-sided way of thinking on my end.  The only thing I could’ve hoped for is that she respected the fact that she was worth fighting for, she always was that's why I never gave up for so long.