withholding

   Sometimes things in life hurt so bad that you don’t want to revisit them, so you put them way down in the deepest part of your brain so you could eventually forget about it like it was something in your basement.  I do this practice with the people that I care about in particular, not to the point to where they can walk all over me but I become extremely passive to them because we are all human and we all make mistakes…. but I never question how far is too far.  And one big problem that I have is: when to address it.  Since I have a problem addressing uncomfortable topics (a.k.a. when my feelings are hurt), I hold on to them for too long until the topic becomes “old news” or “are we talking about that again”?  

   One of my biggest regrets in life is not telling my father how much he’s hurt me with what he had become, I never told him because it would destroy him.  I know if I told him that I was upset and disappointed having to accept that he’d become an alcoholic it would drive him to the only escape he was most comfortable with, which was more drinking.  It would’ve been easier for me to tell him that I loved him than that he’d hurt me, and it’s hard enough for me to tell anyone that I love them.  I never told him that I was hurt by him because I was afraid of him disappearing from my life when I think about it today what did it matter if his appearance was spotty to begin with?  To this day I wish I had told him more things than I should’ve, but then again would he take me seriously or is it wishful thinking?  If things were different, I wish I would’ve told him that I devoted my life to being drug and alcohol-free because of the examples I had seen from him and his mother.  Or that I wish that he took better care of himself because I wanted to show him to my friends since he was a very down to earth dad, but I didn’t want to be embarrassed by his antics or from the smell of the Jack Daniels from his pores so I never could.  These are some of the few things that went through my mind during the weeks following my dad’s untimely passing, all the things he never got to hear because he’s gone… and all the things he never got to hear because I waited too long.  I just wanted him to get better, and he never could.  And the only place I will ever get to tell him anything is in my dreams, even then would I ever tell him?

   When it comes to the case between me & my best friend, I noticed the further along we were in our friendship.. the longer it took for me to tell her that something she did bothered me.  And the reason why I say that is because she could have tendencies to retreat easily without proper conclusions, and I can’t spend my days in assumptions and mystery trying to figure out what she was thinking.  There was an incident that took place at the garage of my house, where she was so furious that she yelled and screamed to the point that it caught the attention of my family and my neighbors, it embarrassed me so bad that I never expressed to her how I felt about her actions until 11 months later (it happened on New Year's Eve and I told her on Thanksgiving the following year).  Within the days after that incident, I was so concerned about reconciling rather than explaining to her how I felt about her actions at the time. But when I finally had the chance to talk to her about it, I didn’t yell, I didn’t scream, I didn’t point fingers, I didn’t tell her it was her fault (but I did ask her not to do anything like that again though), I expressed to her EVERYTHING that I felt about that night.  She cried so bad that she didn’t want to get out of her car for a while because she finally understood how much her actions hurt and embarrassed me to the point that she couldn’t handle it.  Since then, she had not done any kind of act like that.  However, the following summer a thoughtless comment that could potentially break a bond and destroy a friendship was said on her behalf.  I will not mention what she said, but for someone who ran to my aid the minute I told her my father passed, stay with me until the funeral took place, and made sure I was okay throughout the whole process by being inseparably supportive, why would a comment like that be said?  Even though she said that she doesn’t think straight when she’s angry, the comment she said was made to intentionally hurt me and bring me down.  Even though I was very headstrong at the time because I had a very important assignment to conquer at the time, I didn’t forget what she said.  Just because you are going down a particular road doesn’t mean that someone else has to come along with you, especially if they didn’t want to go there in the first place.  Even though she did apologize for her attitude the next day, but I didn’t immediately tell her how her comments affected and disturbed me.  The biggest reason why was because it was very time sensitive if I did bring it to her attention, we were scheduled to attend something very important and I was afraid of her bailing out because of me speaking my truth about the situation.  After the event that we had to attended was a complete success, I didn’t bring up the incident again.  It wasn’t brought up again until another altercation transpired one month later, and it wasn’t until then where I really told her that her words really cut a lot deeper than she thinks.. especially about my father since it was a sensitive topic and especially how she spoke about him.  She apologized again because she really understood how much her words destroyed me, but the damage was bigger than she predicted.  Although I did finally get a chance to tell her how I felt about the situation, I wish I had told her at the same time she apologized the first time so we got it out of the way.  

   I understand people have their faults because (like I said earlier) we’re all human and humans make mistakes, but I wish I was quicker on pointing out what irks me about their actions a little more.  It’s not about being cruel or being nitpicky or mean, but it’s more about as accepting as we can be on both ends.  Even though I forgive them both, I haven’t forgiven myself because I’m scared of hurting people with my honesty.  I wish to be more fearless when it comes to that, to this day trying to be more honest and direct with my mother because I’d hate for her to depart without knowing how I feel before she leaves.  Since I failed them, I don’t plan to fail anybody else.