Earlier within the year, I had an epiphany at my job when it comes to anger. Something came over me and I realized that being angry is wasted energy and it took a lot of me just to carry some kind of angst against someone or something. So rather than responding to anger, I would respond to it differently by not reflecting the negative force that is being thrown to me. I wouldn’t hold on to their less than ideal behavior, but I would accept that I don’t have to succumb to the same energy they were projecting onto me. I kept this oath a secret because I didn’t want anybody to test me, just for the thought that someone would get the best of me on purpose. I had a pretty good run with this for about 6 months, until someone unexpected got the best of me.
Even though I’m drug & alcohol-free, I feel like it’s best to compare it to relapse. For example: You can’t push someone who is a 6 month recovering alcoholic to have drinks then not like their reaction after you pressured them into it. Just because you’re under the influence doesn’t mean that the next person has to be (especially when they did not want to be). If the hangover doesn’t get to you, the guilt of succumbing to what you promised yourself wouldn’t will. Enabling someone that you trust to get the best out of you feels like the biggest betrayal of all, of course on them but especially more on yourself. All it takes is one slip to make you question your limits.
You live and you learn, and this was a hard lesson that I learned. The next step now is dealing with the consequences of the oath that I had broken, and it made me lose someone very important in my life. Currently, I feel like a failure, but then I remember that I’m human and humans make mistakes daily. Nobody is perfect, and it takes courage to admit your faults (which I have). Until then, I plan to overcome this turbulent time sooner than later (even though it’s easier said than done). Wish me luck.
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