t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

 Today is the 10th anniversary of the last opportunity where I could’ve called my father on Father’s Day but I refused because I didn’t want to hear him intoxicated over the phone, saying this 10 years later I wholeheartedly regret it with all my heart and I’ve been fighting back tears as guilt has been clinging on to me like a leech. I knew I should’ve called him but I don’t know if it was my ego telling me not to call him because I was tired of hearing him feeling so defeated, I wish I didn’t lose patience with him because the broken man that I gave up on didn’t deserve the silent treatment I gave him the months leading up to his departure. I remember I was contemplating calling him for hours because it was the right thing to do but I was really drained from hearing about our yesterdays and how they were better, I missed them too but I didn’t want to live my life as he did. I was tired of hearing from someone who just couldn’t seem to get back, even if that person was my own father.

What do you say to someone if you knew you'd never see them again? There's so much to say that you cannot say it any shorter. We're so focused on today based on yesterday that we do not think about tomorrow. We always think that everybody we know will be there tomorrow, what if they don't? We don't take everybody for granted because we feel that no matter who we know, that we don't need them when things seem to fail or that we'll replace them with somebody else. We're all original and we don't realize what makes us spark to others, we don't understand how unique we are and we never will. We don't understand the impact that others do for us until they're no longer in our lives, does it really take that long? Yes it does, I say that because it happened to me at my father's funeral. My parents separated in 1999, leaving my father to fall apart with his finances and within himself. He became more attached to alcohol as a way to escape his

   Good morning cross watcher, how are we doing this early in the morning? I’m writing to you as a sleep-deprived man that keeps getting waken up by random fireworks throughout the neighborhood at odd hours in the night (it’s 3:24 am as we speak), that and with businesses being back up with very little drivers around they tried to charge me double to go to work so I declined. As to why these fireworks are happening this early in June is a mystery to me because I would’ve expected this towards the end of June nearing the 4th of July, I understand last week as their way to fight back again the police (when the protesting was hot) but this is ridiculous because the cops won’t even try to locate so they could get away with it. I’ve been documenting the fireworks happening and it usually starts around 8 pm, it lasted until midnight the night before but seeing how I can’t leave my house and it’s still happening is unacceptable. With no concern to barking dogs, crying babies, and those who ne

(The following story is uncomfortable for me to discuss, it talks about the current happening in our country as we speak as well as a personal matter regarding a family member.   Please excuse any discomfort you might feel as I am going to open up about someone else’s past, thank you).    We all saw the video, we all felt the shock and angst that the footage brought to our hearts.   I knew there was going to be an outcry for justice following the video going viral but I didn’t think it was going to be this chaotic, and I for one can’t blame them for this happening.   It just seems like video after video after video nothing was being done and everyone just got fed up with it by taking matters into their own hands, the demand for justice was so strong that they had to issue a curfew in our city to keep things in order (many followed, many didn’t).   Between the looting, rubber bullets against protesters, burning down of businesses, and people being run over by cars, it’s very easy to not

  Good evening cross watcher, are you okay? How has your mental health been? Are you getting plenty of rest? That first week of June has been a rough one, not just for everyone but for myself as well. I’ve seen many things that withered my spirits, made me question some people’s logic/motivates, and made me appreciate every little ounce of sleep I got. I became the go-to person for others to reach out to when it comes to speaking about this recent uncomfortable topic, sending me videos whether I asked for them or not (which I didn’t), messaging me at all hours of the night because they couldn’t sleep either due to everything that the news and social media being bombarded with that’s keeping them from sleep. So many times I wanted to make a PSA tell others to refrain from messaging me only about the topic because it made me fall into depression, but no matter how exhausted I was I understood that people came to me because I have a non-bias approach to situations no matter how big or sma

  Good morning cross watcher, how have things been with you? I hope things with you have been okay, I know we’ve had a really hard week considering everything that’s been going on with the news. Considering the virus and the battles with police brutality, the mind can only take so much. I really….. have not been well, and I can’t put it into words but I’ve been mentally and spiritually fatigued with everything that’s been happening. I haven’t been speaking to anybody about my thoughts and emotions regarding the issue because it’s hard for me to put them into words, I can’t even speak to you about it with you.. the person who is willing to listen to me. I refuse to speak with unprocessed emotions, even at this point, I have nothing to really say. I tried to make an entry about it and I couldn’t, and speaking about anything seems insensitive. There’s another story I want to write about that took place a month ago, I might focus on that.   Today is my best friend’s birthday, she turns 32