link: memorial

  (Written for a particular reader) Good morning cross watcher!! You’ve made it through the first month of the year! We got 11 more to go but you can handle it, are you keeping up with your resolution? I hope you are (whatever that is), keep it up!  Even though today is the day of the big game, it's also the birthday of one of me and my best friends favorite singers as well. I thought about quitting blogger for a while believe it or not, I had a few moments where I felt under-appreciated throughout the week but I pulled myself together to out of it that mentality.  Did you know that I posted 32 entries in January?  No wonder why you kept coming back, I had a lot to say.  Even though I’m doing this for myself (and you somehow found this), I still find that I’m catering to everyone else and not so much for me since this is my only real escape I really have to express my thoughts without judgment.  I’m mentally stable to where I don't need to see a therapist but it feels more like if I had to go to one now it would be paying for a friendship, I admit that I can be needy at times but people don't understand the signals when their friends need to talk sometimes (or I have poor timing). It's a similar feeling to what I wrote on ”eclipse” and this other entry I had difficulty finishing called ”flare gun”, so quitting blogger would've been me cheating myself (and selfish) because only 1 person is willing to listen to my deepest thoughts and I couldn’t bring myself to ditch them (and that’s you).  Even though you're not responding, the fact that you keep coming back tells me that I must be doing something right on this platform so I’ll continue.  Thank you for listening, so here we go.

  I bet you’re wondering why I called this “memorial”, it is and it isn’t what you think. Because I’m such a thoughtful person that’ll go the extra mile and a half for most people that can’t resist, I visited the memorial of a legend on behalf of 2 friends who are die-hard fans that won’t have time to visit (they’re both Leo’s by the way). Visiting that memorial was unbearably sad, you could feel the grief from everyone around you. People of different backgrounds all came together to pay tribute and celebrate the life of someone who made an impact on everyone in the world (and especially for his city), I had to leave rather early because I couldn’t handle how depressed everyone was but I couldn’t blame them. After that I visited the area that my best friend worked for the first time since our split, I made a surprise appearance to another friend’s shop who worked 2 blocks away from her and that made their day. They were filming a show at her usual train stop, so I had to go to the other stop (called “memorial”) to get off. I didn’t think about visiting my best friend’s job to make amends (I’m not that foolish) but I did pass by the art supply store that was across the street, I needed to pick up something to ship to someone else. Was I anxious to be in the area? Yes, I was. Only because I didn’t want her to see me from her window and make her feel uncomfortable with some kind of fear or anxiety, but I was there for other reasons so I didn’t want her to think otherwise (or that I was stalking).  

  I forgot which entry I was working on at the time but the woman on the video I was playing in the background said “IN THIS GENERATION TODAY PEOPLE DON’T FIGHT FOR SH!T NO MORE!!”, that inspired me to finish “for better for worse”.  I had the title since December of last year but didn’t start writing it until recently, keep in mind that it wasn’t talking about how my best friend gave up on us but it was to express how I failed to see the signs that we were in danger.  My phone was on me about finishing it because I didn’t know how to complete it, that’s why I chose that certain photo for the entry.  Even though my best friend wants nothing to do with me right now, I’m still very protective of her like before.  So much so that I won’t let anybody speak negatively about her to this day, even from my own mouth that’s why I couldn’t finish “colours”.  She knows why I called it that, the original photo was going to be the cover of an album we both like from 2015.  One of the next entries I plan to post is going to be a redirect towards myself rather than her, you’ll see what I mean soon.  I had the title “flare gun” since October but I was not in a good mindset if I had to write it back then, I’m thankful I waited until now to do it again.  It’s a hard one, isn’t it?  My apologies if it made you feel pitiful, I really did feel like I was stuck in a maze with nowhere to go at that time (I still kind of feel the same to be honest).  The same goes for “the walls”,  that was actually the last of the self-destructive entries at the time so no more stories about depletion.  I was actually considering rewriting some of the older entries to see if I could speak about them in a more collective mindset, would you be okay with that?  If not give me a sign (please comment anonymously), not a REVIVAL per se but more like a REPRISE (title not confirmed).  But we’ll see.  You know what... even though I am happy to be speaking to you right now, I am not in a good mindset to continue and I don't want to bring you down with me.  So let's conclude this here, the next time we link-up will be better.

Until we link again, take care of yourself.  I didn’t know whether to post a photo of our favorite singer or from the day of the “memorial” so here’s both.  One is a shot heading home from Chinatown and the other is from the sessions following “resurface”, Happy Birthday AMC. (my best friend would love this)