A friend of mine said it the best when he said “it hurts the most at night”, this was coming from someone whose life was falling apart. Even though I believed him I really wasn’t prepared for what was about to come, must be what it feels like to tell someone what getting a tattoo feels like. The best way how I could explain that is that I wake up feeling like a failure, then I feel this boost of enthusiasm when the sun is out, only to go to bed lonely at night. I wake up feeling like a failure but go to bed feeling like I failed her (see what I did there?) When I’m at work, the one thing I want to do is go to bed. But my biggest fear is the thoughts that cross my mind while I’m lying down, it’s like my mind is playing this twisted game tricking me that I’m worst than I really am. That’s where my worries, fears, and depression kicks in because my anxiety kicks in the most in the daytime.
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- Written on 10/11/19 (tried again on 10/31/19 but couldn't finish it)
- "9oS" stands for "Nine of Swords" as a reference to the tarot card, whether it's upright or reversed it's not good either way (anxiety, worry, fear, nightmares, depression, inner turmoil, etc). The person who inspired me to write this does not believe in tarot cards at all, but this is actually one of my least favorites in the deck. "-the walls-" is a reference to that the same friend kept saying about battling his anguish at night: "The walls are caving in".
- I decided not to finish this because I did not want to write about being miserable, vulnerable yes but not miserable.
- I did speak about this person in the 3rd paragraph of "talk to me".
- The photo is my bed... not gonna lie. (I know it's shot in the daytime, should've been shot at night but oh well).
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