We took the long way home as opposed to taking the freeway, I remember us being emotionally and mentally drained from the argument that just transpired between us. Very little was said until we pulled up to my garage, I didn’t exit the car yet but I told her I was incredibly sorry for my role in our recent disaster. She was crying as she was hearing my apology, I wish I could’ve done more to show her how sorry I was but I didn’t know what to do. She also apologized for her hurtful words as well, which I accepted because I knew she was not in a good place when she said those things. As I exited the car and seeing her drive off I muttered to myself: “Where do we go from here?” This was the worst fight we’ve ever had during our 14 years together and I was afraid to lose her and for the first time ever, I didn’t know what to do within our relationship but I knew I didn't want to lose her. As I entered the house waiting for her text message saying that she made it home, I remember feeling so defeated that I had to lay down on the couch and talk to the only person I thought would help me at that time: my father's urn.
I explained to my father how I made a promise to myself that I would not be reactionary anymore only to break that promise tonight, and because of me becoming angry at the wrong time we ended up in a turbulent and traumatic experience because I was pushed too far. I told him that I was honestly scared and that I wasn’t sure what to do next, I didn’t expect to hear anything from an urn but I felt the need to tell my father that his son failed that night. It was then that I felt this uncomfortable pain in my stomach, this “pit” in my chest as my best friend used to previously call it. I didn’t know whether I was having a heart attack or I was about to throw up, whatever this was it was new to me and I didn’t like it. When I finally got the text that she got home, I told her that I left her a surprise under the passenger seat (a little gift I left for her as a thank you from 7 months prior). Going to sleep that night was an absolute nightmare, the unknown anguish I was feeling in my gut began to increase that was keeping me from a peaceful slumber. Whether it was remorse or anxiety (or both), it was seriously feeling like a place of no return.
I remember not being able to sleep that night, the overwhelming ache of sadness and loneliness kept me wishing this was a nightmare. And that anguish never really left, leaving room for many more restless nights. Between the fight we just had that night and another one we didn't properly conclude from one month prior, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that we were stuck in a rough patch. We both had a very busy summer that we didn't make time to sit down and make things right, I blame myself for letting these matters accumulate. When we spoke the next morning, I was not at a good place but didn’t know how to break it to her. The disappointment within myself made me embarrassed to speak to her with my newfound anxiety attacks were taking control of my emotions, so I was afraid to say anything that would increase our discomfort. I wish I knew how to properly take care of the situation when things got messy (probably should’ve gone to therapy), but the timing in which everything happened couldn’t have come at a worst time. Saying this sounds like an extremely cowardly thing to say because it makes it seem like things could be put on pause until they eventually come to place, but maybe if we stopped and took things seriously once it happened we would be speaking today. To this day, I’m still filled with sorrow with how things got out of hand. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about my part of how I wish things didn’t turn out the way they did, I blame myself every time I don’t get a phone call or some kind of notification from her. As a musician that we both respect once said in a song: “I miss my road dawg”.
- "exit 68" is the Roscoe exit on the 405 N
RESIST: spiral
RETIRE: exit 18
Comments
Post a Comment