I would like to take this time to open a door that I’ve kept closed since last summer, I would like to speak about my anger if that’s alright with you. The reason for this random but difficult decision to speak about this is because I keep going back to when I released its wrath which immediately led to resentment and regret, it would be an act that I was so overwhelmed with that I blame myself for not having enough patience to control it. I’m aware that I mentioned before saying I wouldn't speak out of anger, but I’m going to attempt to tackle it somehow for my own understanding. During the heat of someone else's fury, I took another person's verbal attacks to heart because I know I didn't deserve being spoken to like that but I still let the remarks get under my skin and I know deep down I shouldn't have. I am filled with remorse knowing that I allowed someone that I truly cared about to make me feel the anguish that I thought I evolved from, and my response to their lashing did not help the problem at all. Instead of being strong for the both of us and trying to reason with the conflict at hand, I enabled things to get worse by letting them push me over the edge.
Of course, I could sit here and play victim so I could focus on how the other party’s words triggered me to react erratically or I could point out my faults because I’m responsible enough to not look at a situation in a one-sided perspective. I was the one that reacted to a situation I didn’t know how to handle and responded to it poorly, it was irresponsible of me to try to get a grip on something that was getting out of control. I was the one that recognized that my emotions were getting derailed, it was immature of me to put the responsibility on the person that’s retaliating against me to calm me down during such an intense moment. I was the one that let someone that I cared about to make me as angry as I was, it was immoral of me to let us sink as low as we did with no regard for the risks. I was the one that was despicable enough to go against my own beliefs just to make a point, it was inexcusable for us to irritate each other and I hold myself at fault for that. And finally, I was the one that lost someone I wanted in my future… because my counter to their berating is irredeemable.
My act of eruption was recognized and I immediately apologized for my less than ideal rebuttal, thankfully the other party accepted my apology but regrettably it wasn’t enough for us to remain on speaking terms today. The idea that the other party fears me and wants nothing to do with me destroys me to no end, I know deep down I’m not a monster but the loneliness will trick me into believing that I am. I’ve forgiven the other party for their hurtful remarks just haven’t found the courage to forgive myself yet, I’m not afraid of being angry because I have that under control but I am terrified to lose anybody else in my life. I know it’s perfectly normal to release some form of anger but it’s never acceptable to do it onto someone else, you can’t fight fire with fire because two wrongs don’t make a right and we both knew that (particularly me). I’m embarrassed to admit that I let my anger take advantage of the situation on my behalf, and ultimately became the end of us. As much as I would love to call this a hiatus, true strength is being happy for them even if it’s not with you and I have to thank my reaction for that. If I could speak to my anger as a person, I would say this: You made me lose someone very important to me, and I hope to never see you again.
- "exit 65" is the Victory exit on the 405 N
- This was actually shot on the 118 W
- Original Title: kerosene
“Remember there’s a beginning middle and end to every emotional situation. So what we don't want to do is make an impulsive decision in the beginning or middle of a tough emotional experience that gets us into worst trouble in the end." - Dr. Christian Conte
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