t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

   You think maybe if I held onto my patience a little longer, we wouldn’t be where we are right now?   Or if I didn’t say the certain things that I did in the heat of the moment we would still be talking today?   Whenever life goes sour and it feels like a black cloud it holding on to you like a clutch, all you can do is think about the “what if’s”.   The “what if’s” is the thought process that keeps in you unmotivated from getting out of bed, the “what if’s” makes you look forward to different nightmares in your slumber.   Most importantly, the “what if’s” is not realistic.   It’s all in your imagination, no matter how pretty you paint that masterpiece.. it’s all in your head.    You want to put all the blame on yourself so things could go back to how they normally were, but what if (see I’m doing it again) it still didn’t make a difference?   No matter how much you think things could’ve stayed the same if you did something di...

   One thing that I’ll always pride myself in is that whenever I say I will keep my word I always stick to it, but the one thing I don’t make is “promises”.  Even though I’d like to be as reliable as possible to others, I know the feeling of a broken promise that’s why I try my best to avoid that word.   The recovery from that is pretty unbearable, makes you not want to take anyone else seriously.   I’m saying all this from years of experience with my father, as much as I love him.. talk is cheap and actions spoke louder than words when it comes to him.   In today’s society I know we live in a place of busy schedules and we don’t have time for everything or everybody, but I’m a firm believer in keeping your word when it comes to the next person.    Not too long ago, I had a pretty big DJ set at an infamous location in the heart of Hollywood... only 5 people showed up.   Don’t get me wrong, 5 is a good number!   But the many peop...

   Communication is the key to make any relationship work, and the only thing I ever kept from her was her birthday/Christmas gifts and numbers (money).   We used to speak about everything, from our highest & lowest moments to our goals and insecurities.   No matter what happened in our lives, we could always count on each other to lend that voice that we needed to hear.   But all that changed recently, not because we had a disagreement but because I wasn’t honest about what was troubling me to her.   All because it was an internal battle within myself I didn’t want her involved in because I didn’t want her to worry.    After an altercation that went awry between the 2 of us, the following days after that were pretty uneasy leaving many moments of uncertainty even after the many apologies to one another (but I was still hopeful we could recover from this).   I developed a heavy amount of anxiety after our fight, and for the first...

  Earlier within the year, I had an epiphany at my job when it comes to anger.   Something came over me and I realized that being angry is wasted energy and it took a lot of me just to carry some kind of angst against someone or something.   So rather than responding to anger, I would respond to it differently by not reflecting the negative force that is being thrown to me.   I wouldn’t hold on to their less than ideal behavior, but I would accept that I don’t have to succumb to the same energy they were projecting onto me.   I kept this oath a secret because I didn’t want anybody to test me, just for the thought that someone would get the best of me on purpose.   I had a pretty good run with this for about 6 months, until someone unexpected got the best of me.    Even though I’m drug & alcohol-free, I feel like it’s best to compare it to relapse.   For example: You can’t push someone who is a 6 month recovering alcoholic to have...

   After a 3 year hiatus from literature, I have returned to express my thoughts online.   I closed my live journal account in 2016, even though I hadn’t been writing in it for 2 years at that time anyway.   I used my live journal to speak about my best and worst times, I even went in-depth about my father’s passing in 2010.   I realized after my father’s death that my journal got really dark and I hadn’t really spoken about the good times because it was somehow difficult to speak about it, but it was much easier to be EXTREMELY detailed about my troubles.   It wasn’t until I started my photography career in 2015 that I hadn’t really used live journal or any outlet other to really express my thoughts, especially since it was very hard for me to type out my successes.   It was at that point I decided to let go (and delete) my live journal account.   It was one of the better decisions I made at the time, I never thought I would come back doing ...