contemporary weight

   Communication is the key to make any relationship work, and the only thing I ever kept from her was her birthday/Christmas gifts and numbers (money).  We used to speak about everything, from our highest & lowest moments to our goals and insecurities.  No matter what happened in our lives, we could always count on each other to lend that voice that we needed to hear.  But all that changed recently, not because we had a disagreement but because I wasn’t honest about what was troubling me to her.  All because it was an internal battle within myself I didn’t want her involved in because I didn’t want her to worry.

   After an altercation that went awry between the 2 of us, the following days after that were pretty uneasy leaving many moments of uncertainty even after the many apologies to one another (but I was still hopeful we could recover from this).  I developed a heavy amount of anxiety after our fight, and for the first time in years I didn’t know how to handle it.  This internal battle stemmed from the disbelief of my role of the altercation, the fact that I couldn’t have handled the situation as well as I wanted to was killing me inside.  I had moments where I wanted to cry, shortness of breath, moments of panic, and random moments of nervousness.  All this came at me at once and I didn’t know how to handle it, and most of all I didn’t want her to have to worry for me.  I was scared for her to think that she was the problem because she really wasn’t, I accepted her apology as I was hoping she would’ve accepted mine.  This was something I wanted to conquer alone, but this was also something I should’ve told her from the start.  Our last encounter together I revealed to her that I was fighting anxiety, but I never told her where it rooted from.  Now I wish I did.

   When I think about it today, I should’ve told her that I was troubled and that I wasn’t as strong as it seemed.  My absolute biggest fear was telling her the truth and having her runaway, but by me NOT telling the truth made her runaway.  Maybe if I told the truth from the beginning it would’ve been different, not the same but different.  I’m still battling with my anxiety, but it wasn’t as heavy as before but it’s getting better day by day. It’s like I stated in the beginning, communication is the key to make any relationship work.  And by me not being honest about my personal struggles, probably wasn’t the best thing for me to do.  I understand that now, and I’ll apologize for that.